


September 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [15]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Pheromones, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 01:39:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex is seduced by Desiree and Clark  unravels the mystery of Desiree and learns to control his terrible new ability, heat vision. After Lex suffers terrible injuries, Martha Kent insists he recover at the Kent farm. <br/>Then Clark's life changes forever when Pete finds his missing ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	September 2004

01 September @ 09:25 am

My mom and dad are the best!

I spent all morning hiding in the barn too afraid to come out. Now that I can set things on fire with my eyes, I'm terrified that I will hurt somebody else. I almost killed Lana last night! That was such a horrifying moments. 

All I could think about was how this will totally ruin my life. When dad found me, he urged me to practice. He has no idea how much he helped me. He told me he knew what was triggering it, and that I should think about that so we can find out how to make it stop after it starts. That was embarrassing, since I was thinking about Lex when it went off. 

So, a bunch of scarecrows, two water barrels and our mailbox (oops) later, I have the heat thing under control. I can even make popcorn with it, almost.

Now that I can control it, I can go out in public. I have to get to school. This is going to totally suck, being there with her there.

At least one thing is under control.

@ 08:05 pm

Desiree just tried to seduce me! Now I will stop at nothing to get her away from Lex. 

I feel so dirty. She touched me, tried to kiss me, and said that if Lex was out of our way we could be together. I would never want to be with her in a million years. I can't believe that she would think that I could ever do that to Lex. She's a fake and I have to save Lex from her.

@ 08:31 pm

It's so hot in here. I had to jerk off after Desiree left because all I could think about was Lex and how much I wished it had been him that had come by to seduce me. Her touch made me want to crawl out of my skin. For one second, when she touched me, I felt dizzy. I'm sure now that she has some kind of hold on Lex. 

I hope I'm right. 

How am I supposed to tell Lex about this? He's going to be so hurt. At least once he sees that she's not really in love with him; he'll have to break it off and get rid of her.

02 September @ 05:14 pm

I can't believe Lex didn't believe me! I found out that Desiree lied to him. Desiree is not her real name and she didn't tell Lex this at all. When I tried to show him what I found out about her, he told me Desiree said I was infatuated with her and that I made a pass at her! 

I know for sure she's doing something to control him. Lex would never do this to me. He'd never believe her over me.

I confronted Desiree in the hall right after Lana told me that Lex is selling the Talon. I know she made him do it to get to me. She wants to hurt everybody around me. She said she would hurt my family and friends if I didn't leave her and Lex alone. I didn't back down. I don't care what it takes. I'm going to get through to Lex. She doesn't scare me.

I'm going to tell my parents about what Desiree tried to do to me in the loft. It's embarrassing but I can't keep it in any more. I know my parents will believe me. Lex thinks I lied, and Chloe practically laughed in my face. It hurt so much when Lex threw me out of his house. I know if he were in his right mind, he never would have done that. I'm not going to stop until he sees the truth.

 

03 September @ 10:12 pm

I'm at the hospital right now with Lex. He suffered bad burns at the hands of his soon to be ex-wife. Desiree tried to kill him.

I don't even know how else to say all this except to tell you from the beginning. 

Yesterday, after dinner, I told mom and dad about what Desiree tried to do to me in the loft the other night. Mom freaked out. Just as we were talking about how to handle it, the sheriff showed. He was there to arrest me. Desiree claimed that I had set fire to her car, and she convinced Lex to have me arrested. I have never been so afraid before. Dad told me to go along with the sheriff and that we'd have it all straightened out. 

When you're a kid the idea of riding in a police car seems exciting. Let me tell you, it is not exciting at all. Especially when everybody thinks you're a criminal. I had to spend the night in a jail cell. 

I used my one call to let Lex know where I was. He didn't care. He told me I should own up to what I'd done. I told him that I didn't do it. All I could do was urge him to be careful. I knew for sure that Desiree was doing something to him. There was no way Lex would ever let me be arrested like that.

He's been unconscious for the past few hours from the drugs the doctor gave him. The burns are bad, but I think he'll be okay. He has to be okay. 

I couldn't sleep at all last night. The bed in the cell was too small. I had to curl up just to get into it. That didn't matter because all I could think about was Lex.

The next morning I ate breakfast and lunch there because Chloe and Lana didn't get to see me until after school. My mom did come visit me in the morning. I've never been so happy to see her. Just seeing her made me feel that things were going to be okay. I didn't want to let go of her hand once she was near me. I have hardly ever spent a handful of nights away from home. 

Chloe and Lana were the ones who discovered how Desiree put Lex under her spell. It turns out Desiree was trying to get me to kill Lex with this pheromone thingy she can do. Desiree has the ability to drug a person with her pheromones. Lucky for me, her persuasion technique didn't work on me at all. Lex must have felt as if he was drugged all that time. It seems to wear off after six hours. I think she targeted me to do her dirty work because she knew how close I am to Lex. 

I felt really dirty when she tried to do that to me, but now I feel even dirtier. She wanted me to kill somebody. I have never even thought of killing anybody. I doubt I ever will. 

Desiree used her hypnotic spell on my dad. When Chloe and Lana told me that Desiree could make people do whatever she wants and that she has already pulled her black widow thing a few times on other rich men, I freaked out. Mom told me that dad was going over to talk sense into her. I set fire to something in the jail and ran off to the mansion. I couldn't let Desiree hurt Lex or my dad. When I got there I found my dad shooting at Lex. Desiree used her power of persuasion on dad and convinced him to try to kill Lex. 

When I saw my dad with that shotgun I freaked. I would have done anything to save Lex at that moment even reveal myself to Lex. I used too much force on my dad and knocking him unconscious. Lex went after Desiree, except she got him first and set him on fire. I wanted to really hurt her when I saw that. She looked so deliriously happy when his back caught fire. It was scary, but there was no way I was letting her get away. I stopped her from escaping, and grabbed a blanket and threw myself onto Lex to smother the flames.

I called 911 as soon as I knew everything was going to be okay. I did everything I'd been taught to do when somebody has been burned. Lex's back looked really bad. His shirt was burned away.

The police took Desiree away and I warned them what she can do. Lex was rushed to the hospital, and dad is fine. Dad went home insisting he didn't need a doctor, and I followed Lex to the hospital. I've have been here with him ever since he was admitted.

I feel like I'm forgetting something. I just want to put the whole thing behind us. I'm staying with Lex overnight. He's a little delirious but he said sorry just before he passed out. I'm sitting here in the dim light of his room, watching over him.

I just hope that all the things he said were because she made him say them. For now, that's what I'm holding on to. 

Lex is waking up and the nurse is checking him right now. I better go make sure he has everything he needs.

@ 10:14 pm

I can't believe that all this Desiree stuff happened because of the damn meteor rocks! I hate those things so much. 

I have seen how they twist so many people, but she was the worst. She used what the meteors did to her pheromones to trap men into marrying her and then she had other innocent people kill them so she could get their money. I don't think I have ever met anybody so evil. 

The rocks may have been responsible for changing her body, but she was the one who chose to use what she had in an evil way.

Somehow that doesn't take away the guilt I feel for having brought them with me in the first place. I almost think I deserved this, but I know for sure Lex didn't.

 

04 September @ 11:44 pm

Since I'm a minor and I did save the life of one of the country's wealthiest people, the police have dropped all the charges. That was such a relief. I ran from them and I thought for sure I would have to go back there. That would have totally sucked.

My mom and I spent most of today at the hospital. Lex tried to insist that he could go home, but he was no match for my mom. My mom had a talk with the doctor about what Lex would need for the next few weeks. He's going to need at least that long to recover from the burns. He was diagnosed with first and second degree burns. Mom is going to take care of him. 

This is not something that makes my dad happy. After I brought dinner up to Lex in his posh guest room, mom, dad and I had dinner. They talked about how to handle this. I just love when they do that right in front of me and act like I'm not even there. Dad had no problem with that one. For now things are fine. Lex gets to stay with us and dad has to accept that.

After dinner, dad and I did the evening chores. We talked about what happened. He seems bent on putting everything behind us as fast as possible. I confessed to him that I felt a lot of guilt for not having caught on to what was happening to Lex sooner. I did some research on pheromones. I really thought Chloe was mocking me, or saying that I was the gayest guy ever since this really hot woman couldn't tempt me the way she had tempted every other guy she'd come into contact with.

Anyway, they aren't really supposed to be that strong. I would hate to imagine a world where people are controlled by their pheromones. Good thing for us, Desiree is the only one. 

I also did some research on burns and how to take care of them. I wanted to make sure I had all the information I could find. I helped mom change Lex's bandages tonight. Actually, I watched and lent moral support while mom changed them. It looked painful though Lex barely flinched through the ordeal. I really admire him for his strength and ability to bounce back from a horrible situation.

I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow since I have a guest to entertain. On top of that, I fell behind on my chores because of my incarceration. I should play up how much psychological damage was caused that way mom and dad will go easy on me. I know it would work on mom. Somehow I don't think dad would fall for it.

I reassured Lex that things between us were cool. Once he's in better shape, we can talk about it more. I told him that right now I want him to concentrate on recovering his strength. That's more important than my hurt feelings.

 

05 September @ 08:48 am

I was curious to see how hot it had to be for me to evaporate that bullet that was meant for Lex.

3,164 degrees F!!! Jeez, I am such a freak. That is really hot. I remember thinking how hot it was when I aimed for the bullet. It was in mid air so I had to get it right the first time. On top of that, I kept thinking 'be as hot as possible'. I remember absently chanting in my head - hotter, hotter. I could feel the heat on my face and on my hair.

Lex is still asleep. I sleep on my stomach just like he has to. I wonder if that's normal for him. I think I'll ask.

 

06 September @ 11:44 am

I was so tired. After all the chores and dealing with the emotional and physical exhaustion of the past few weeks, I collapsed into my bed with my headphones on and my favorite CD. I woke up this morning floating five feet above my bed. I had the best dream. In the dream I was in a field of wheat. I was floating above the ground and Lex was standing in front of me. He smiled and said that he always knew I was special. Then I lifted him up with me and we kissed. I was so hard when I woke up. Unfortunately the sound of me crashing to earth sent my mom running into my room. Luckily I landed on my stomach.

I broke my headphones, which totally sucks. Now I have to save up to get new ones. I've been saving to get the school ring. I haven't told dad yet. I know he's going to tell me I can't get it, but if it's my money how can he stop me.

Yesterday was mostly quiet. Lex drifts in and out. The medicine he's taking helps him get some sleep, but only for a few hours and he doesn't look rested. Mom and dad went out to dinner. Before they left she changed Lex's bandages and made sure he took his medicine. My mom is so strong. I don't know if I would have the courage to do what she does. I can't even look at Lex's back. If I do, it will be burned in my memory. I don't want to remember his body that way. I feel ashamed, but at the same time I just can't bring myself to look. 

Lex is so brave, too. He's gone through all this pain and those two weeks of being under Desiree's spell; it can't be easy. He has nothing but time to think about it.

Mom pulled me aside just after the nightly bandage change and we talked briefly. I told her that I'm not thinking about anything beyond friendship with Lex at this point. He really has to have time to heal and if I harass him it's just going to distract him from what's important. 

I had a lot of work to do this weekend, but when I did have time to spend with Lex I sat by his bedside and did my homework, or just read. Since he was asleep most of those times there really wasn't much else I could do, and I really think he needs me to just be there. I already decided that if he wants us to be nothing more than friends I would accept his choice. We haven't talked much about things. I reassured him that everything between is cool. I know none of this was his fault. He was used and that woman assaulted him. No man, except me, could have stopped her. But then, I'm not really a man.

It finally rained last night. I went to check on Chloe and let her know what had happened. I wanted to thank her for all her help with figuring things out. I'm so grateful that she did all that research. After we talked, I stopped by the Talon to see Lana. She was in the middle of making a video to send to Whitney. She'd been making one all week. She said he still holds out hope that the two of them will be together once he gets back from his tour. I think this has been weighing on her a lot more than she's let on. She decided to tell him straight out that they couldn't ever be anything more than friends.

She asked me about the three fires that I was at and how odd it was that I should be at each one. I just played dumb. 

Just as I left, it started to pour. I was so happy to have the heat wave end. It was nice to finally cool down. By the time I got home, mom and dad were heading out to dinner. They looked really nice. I'm so glad this whole thing isn't putting a wedge between them. My dad is lucky to have mom.

Now I have to get back to work. I have a ton of things to do. Lex is drifting in and out of sleep. I spent breakfast with him. He ate a little. He looks a little better than he did a few days ago.

@ 11:25 pm

We all spent today in the backyard. Even Mr. K was there. At first my mom suggested that we go to the town picnic, but Lex very politely refused. He was not up to being in public in his condition. I was surprised mom even suggested it. I think she just wants him to know we all care. He just wants to recover in peace. I know he needed to get out, but he really looked like he didn't want to be there. He looked too tired. I wanted to ask if he would rather be inside, resting.

He made it through to dinner and then he went back up to the room. I think he passed out after I closed the door. I helped mom clean up and then showered and got ready for bed since it's a school night. I couldn't resist checking on Lex one last time before I turned in. He was asleep when I entered the room but as soon as I sat down beside his bed he woke up.

We talked about things and he said we're cool. So I have a boyfriend again. I know he feels guilt over what she made him do, but he was a victim just like we all were. I can't fault him for that.

I checked first to make sure mom and dad were downstairs and they were. The door was closed, but my dad has this bad habit of just walking into a room without knocking. I think I'm going to have a talk with my parents about that. I kissed Lex. It was like breathing sunshine when our lips touched. It was only a small kiss but it was the balm I needed, we needed, to move forward. I shouldn't have but is lips were there and I wanted them. I feel a little selfish for just doing it. 

I wish I could find the words to say how good it felt when I kiss Lex. I really miss touching him.

Since I have class tomorrow and it sounds like everybody has gone to bed, I think it's time for me to do the same.

 

07 September @ 11:22 pm

I'm sitting here with Lex in his room and the door closed. He's totally distracting me from my homework. I have a lot of homework tonight. I can't believe it's just the second week of classes. We started poetry in English class today. The teacher gave us our lesson plan for the next two months. I'm not looking forward to it.

School was pretty cool other than that. I called Lex at lunchtime to check on him. He's doing much better today. I think he'll be up and ruling the world in no time.

Dinner was a total disaster. Dad can be a real stick in the mud sometimes. He barely said a word beyond reminders of what chores I needed to get done after dinner. I wish he'd at least talked to Lex or get to know him better. Instead dad just eats and leaves the dinner table as quickly as possible. Lex is being polite but I can tell it's getting to him.

Lex just drifted off to sleep. We paused for a little break. It was weird to have him watching me while I was trying to do homework. So I just kissed him. We were both thinking about it so I figured we should just get it over with. Of course just as we were getting hot and heavy, my dad knocked on the door and ordered me to get to bed soon. I knew he wouldn't just barge into the room since it is the guest room and the rule is that when a guest is using it they get privacy. Unlike me, dad seems to think I don't deserve privacy. 

That was so nerve-wracking. I think I'll hold off from now on until Lex moves back to the mansion. I hate to think what would happen if dad saw me in a lip lock with Lex.

Now that Lex is asleep (he doesn't snore at all) I have to get to bed. I'm actually exhausted. 

PS: I just told mom I kissed Lex. She only said to be careful and make sure dad doesn't catch us. I don't have to be told twice.

 

08 September @ 10:48 pm

I haven't had a chance to talk to Lex today at all. When I left for school he was asleep and when I got home mom said he wore himself out. It says a lot about me when the first thing that popped into my head, upon hearing mom say that, was that it's my job to wear Lex out. I had to turn away because the thought made me blush so hard. I have got to stop think dirty sexual thoughts around my mom. That is just way too disturbing.

After dinner, Lex was still asleep so I went out to my fortress to do my homework. When I went in to get that stupid poetry book which I forgot in my room (gee I wonder why?) mom told me that Lex had briefly woken up. I might have overreacted just a little when she told me. I was so pissed off. I yelled at her. She should have called me. She knew I wanted to see him. I told her to call me if he woke up. Dad totally chewed me out for freaking on my mom. I almost told him to go to hell. I was that furious. I shouldn't have freaked so badly. Now I have to go apologize but I'm too embarrassed. I can't even look dad in the eyes.

I'm tired of dad's attitude toward Lex. I know what happened sucks, but he's not even trying. I wish he'd just try. Lex is such a great person and dad can't seem to get past his last name. I thought when he told Lex that they would start over after the Nixon thing that dad would change. Maybe he just needs more time. That woman got her hooks in my dad. I try not to think about it. She had to kiss whoever she put under her spell. That means she would have had to kiss my dad. It makes me sick to think that she did that to him. I try not to wonder what else she did to him. 

Sometimes late at night I think about what she did to Lex. I don't only mean the things she talked him into. He hasn't said anything but even at the wedding and that time at school I saw them kiss. I can't help wonder how many times they had sex. Was she much better than me? Does he miss her? Does he think about their time together? I'm too afraid to ask.

I still remember when he asked me to be his best man and I tried to talk to him in his room. 

This is never going to go away. I've never hated something so much in my life, but I hate this. If I'd never crashed here and those fucking rocks had never landed with me … they destroyed so many lives. They are still destroying people's lives. It's always going to be like this.

 

11 September @ 07:13 pm

It was homecoming yesterday. A year ago Whitney and his friends disabled me with Lana's necklace, stripped me to my boxers, and hung me out in the Chandler's field. I went back and reread the post I made when it happened. It's so weird because I remember so clearly every cornstalk as I hung there on the cross. I remember thinking that I would die like that and that my parents would be so ashamed of me, because everybody would see what a freak I am.

I never thought after that night that I would end up here. Lex and I just felt so natural. I can think back to the way things developed between us and how that grain of hero worship turned into a huge crush, then into real full out love mode. It was intense. It still is. I feel so strongly for him.

Last night I was exhausted. I had been sort of keeping an eye on the main jocks of the team. Yesterday I went to two of them and told them that sometimes a tradition should just die. They told me their heart wasn't in it, but I followed them anyway. Sure enough they had picked this someone, Cyrus. He's a really nice kid. I interrupted and pretended I needed Cyrus for something. Then I set Brent's running shoes on fire to distract him. He wasn't wearing them at the time, but I still would have done it if he had been wearing them.

It was really awkward but Cyrus was grateful, and I made a new friend. 

I was so tired last night that I fell asleep beside Lex in the guest room. I went in after dinner and evening chores were done to bring him some pie. We sat and talked. I told him that the whole scarecrow thing made me feel like a total freak. I already felt like a freak to begin with, but that only made it worse.

Things changed so much. The day, the chores, that conversation tired me out so much I was woken by mom. I'd climbed into Lex's bed and collapsed. 

I feel much better today. Dad and I did the Farmer's Market while mom stayed home with Lex. I just wanted to get home fast. Pete has been bugging me about Luthor staying in my home. I jokingly told him that I let Lex sleep in my bed and use my toothbrush. He actually asked me if Lex brushes his teeth with fancy toothpaste. I wanted to smack him in the head, except the mental image of my best friend's head popping off stopped me. I told Pete that Lex puts his pants on just like everybody else: one leg at a time. He missed my point completely because the next thing he asked was if I had watched Lex put his pants on. I didn't tell him that I have actually seen Lex put his pants on.

Boy that whole exchange really made me feel dumb. In fact, writing it made me feel like I just lost IQ points. Good thing nobody has to see this. I feel like a complete idiot now for even attempting to indulge Pete. He's my best friend but sometimes he really irritates me.

I'm hoping he's up to some light stargazing. I think there's a meteor shower tonight.

 

13 September @ 08:49 pm

Why can't dad just let it go? I haven't slipped up yet and even if I do so what!!!! I trust Lex. 

I wish he'd stop acting like Lex is some freeloader. Mom is the one who made Lex stay with us. It's not like she twisted his arm. Maybe she did.

Dad and I had a long talk on the weekend. He noticed how much time I've spent with Lex. I totally freaked at first. I thought he was going to ask if I like him that way, but then I realized my dad just doesn't think that way. He started saying stuff about how he understands that maybe because Lex saved me I might have some hero worship for him. I jumped on that and told dad that I really admire Lex and I think that Lex can teach me a lot. Dad immediately said to be careful. I told him that Lex has always been very kind to me and not once has he tried to lead me astray with drugs or stuff like that. 

It was so surreal. I wish I could have told Lex about it. I couldn't stop laughing after dad left to go into town. Mostly I was laughing because it was such a close call. If dad had said what I thought he was going to say, I think I would have run as fast and as far as possible, but not before stopping to grab Lex. 

Yes! Lex is my hero. I should tell him that. I thought about it a lot last night and I think dad is right. I think that is something I have always felt about Lex. There is so much to admire about him. He's so strong and he's endured so much. Plus he's got a hot ass. Shallow but true.

I wish I could tell Lex my secret.

@ 11:23 pm

I just came from Lex's room. He's exhausted and I can just tell he overdid it today. I wish he'd take it easier. He's always pushing himself so hard.

Tonight at dinner Lex announced that it's time for him to go home. I know dad hasn't been thrilled to have Lex here. He makes it clearer and clearer each day. Lex isn't stupid. He knows. I told Lex that I really like having him stay with us. I know that part of it is still guilt at not catching on faster and saving him sooner from Desiree.

Lex is asleep now. I made sure. I want him to rest. Tomorrow I'm going to tell mom she has to convince him not to leave. If we both want him to stay then that should be enough to make him stay, right?

He was a little out of it just before I left him to sleep. I can tell he doesn't want to be alone in the mansion. I could always move in with him. That would be so cool. The mansion does have a million rooms or something like that. 

I told Lex that he's never alone no matter what. I'm going to make sure of that.

 

15 September @ 05:30 pm

Lex went home yesterday right after I left for school. I came home from a boring day of classes to discover that he was gone. I know my dad was the one who chased him away. Dad and I had a huge fight and I ran to the mansion.

When I arrived at the mansion, I found Lex in his office on the floor, staring at wedding pictures. They arrived yesterday. He was in rougher shape than I have ever seen him. I didn't know what to do. I tried to get the pictures away from him, but he just kept staring at them, saying stuff about how he keeps messing things up only he used a more colorful word. He sure does swear a lot when he's drunk. I was too freaked to say much except that I would always be there for him. He has to know by now that I'm not going anywhere. 

I called Feegan. I was sure that he would know what to do. He tried to help but Lex told him that he wasn't needed. Something passed between them. I know Lex feels bad for firing him while he was under her spell, but Feegan is fine. He told Lex that all is forgiven. Feegan left us, and I went upstairs with Lex to his room. 

I wanted to burn every one of those pictures when I first saw what they were. I still can't believe the photo studio actually still sent them. It's in all the papers what happened to their marriage. Well, mostly the part about her trying to kill him and that they are getting an annulment. I guess nobody called and cancelled the photos. 

It was weird seeing him so unraveled. I've seen Lex freaked out, but I've never seen him emotionally destroyed like that. He asked me how I could stay and the answer seems so simple to me. I love him. I called mom last night to ask her if I could stay with Lex. She said yes, so I stayed in his bed with him.

There's more to it than that. One day when he finds out the truth about my heritage and he learns that I lied to him all this time, I can only hope that he'll stand by me.

That looks so selfish in writing. I care about Lex more than I have ever cared about anybody in my life. Nobody has ever made me feel this way. He frustrates me and makes me happy all in one breath. I love that about him, I love that about us.

He seemed better this morning, but I think it's just an act. He's really good at that. I've learned to spot the signs of how he really feels. They are so brief and subtle that if you blink, you miss them. 

Last night after he cried in my arms and fell asleep, I went down to his office and put the pictures in the fireplace. I burnt them all. I have never done anything that destructive and felt so satisfied doing it. 

I really wish I hadn't failed him so badly. None of this would have happened if I had figured it out right away. 

He asked me why I stay. I stay because for me, there is no other choice.

 

16 September @ 11:25 pm

Pete came over tonight. He came over so we could study for the tomorrow's English test. I totally do not get this stuff. Why can't they just say what they mean?

Anyway, we spent most of the time playing basketball. We played until it was too dark to see. We managed to read the poems that the Ms. Cohen assigned. Pete likes Ms. Cohen. I can't believe he talked about our teacher that way. It was disturbing to say the least.

He told me I should get with this stuff because it could help me snag Lana. I told him that she and I are just friends and that I'm cool with things the way they are.

Just after school, I stopped by to see Lex. He seems better. I have to confess something. I left really excited. He's still not ready for that kind of action. I am always ready, I feel like a horny dog.

I better get back to studying. Poetry 1, Clark Kent 0.

 

17 September @ 04:25 pm

I can't believe this. It took me so long to get over it. I hate that everyone in a small town knows everybody's business. Why does she have to do this? I can't. The nightmares finally stopped this summer. When she asked me if I could write about it for the paper it all came rushing back to me. I will never forget every second that I was up there hurt physically and emotionally. I've never felt so alone and so vulnerable. If Lex hadn't saved me ... I don't even want to think about what could have happened.

There is no way I'm going to tell everybody about the scarecrow incident in an article. Even if I do it anonymously, everybody would know. The people who did it know, and they could tell all their friends if they haven't already. Whitney may have said sorry, but they never did.

Why does that have to follow me everywhere I go? I want to forget. Doesn't she get it? I know Chloe. She'll write the article anyway. I hate this so much. I have to convince her that it's a bad idea. I have to talk to Lana and tell her to ask Chloe to forget it.

On top of that, I failed the English test. I couldn't concentrate. I guess the fact that I played basketball instead of studied for it might have contributed.

Mom is going to freak.

 

18 September @ 07:40 pm

Chloe and Lana want me to write about what happened to me last fall. I told them I couldn't do it. I shouldn't have gone to the Talon after school. I wanted to avoid my parents and I ran into Lana. We talked and I ended up telling her that I would think about it. What the hell was I thinking? Why did I say I'd think about it? I don't want to think about it ever again. She said stuff about how people need to know this isn't a harmless prank and that people get hurt. I could have been hurt a lot worse if Lex hadn't saved me. 

I told mom and dad that I failed the English test. They asked me at dinner last night about it so I couldn't hide it. They were disappointed but they both told me to try harder next time. At least the memorization part of the class will be easy. I'm more worried about the analysis stuff we have to do. Maybe Lex has books on this stuff.

Guess who isn't married anymore? Yup, you guessed it. Lex's annulment was finalized yesterday. He's been busy with his company and I have stayed out of his way. I got so used to him being under the same roof. It's taken a little bit of adjustment. Even though I have only ever lived with my parents my whole life, I got used to Lex being there. I miss him at night. I felt really safe when he was here with me. I felt safe knowing that he wasn't in any danger and that I could listen to his heartbeat.

I want to go over there right now, but I have a lot of studying to do and Lex is so busy catching up. Mom was not happy to hear that I spent all my study time playing basketball. I can't help that I find basketball way more interesting than why Longfellow wrote about the sea or whatever it was he was trying to say.

 

19 September @ 09:17 pm

Sometimes I just wish that I could learn when to say the right thing. Last night, after I did my homework, I went over to the mansion to see Lex. Everything was perfect. We went up to his room and made out. I lasted about ten seconds once he got my clothes off and touched my bare skin. It was so hot. He was so hot.

After I touched him, I was so excited, I told him my sexual fantasy. I had used it to get through the last few weeks. Everybody fantasizes and he said it was cool. In the fantasy, I imagine I'm lying on a bed and he comes in, crawls on top of me, and takes me. As soon as I said that, he froze. I felt like a total idiot for blurting it out after everything that happened. It's my fault. I never should have said the safe word that one time. I think back on it and wonder why I said it. I should have let him take me. I want him to take me. I keep having that fantasy. I had it every night this past week. Why couldn't I let him do it?

I have concluded that I am an inept fool when it comes to relationships. I can't even get friendships right. Although Pete and I are the best of friends, I know he's more honest with me than I am with him. I wish I could tell him the truth. What's the worse that could happen?

 

20 September @ 06:04 pm

It's back. Pete found my ship. When he told me he had something to show me and we walked through the corn, I wasn't sure what he was up to. I parted the stalks and there it was: big hunk of otherworldly metal. My heart just about stopped. He knew right away it was a ship. It looks like a ship so how could I convince him otherwise. I really tried. I wanted to say:

'It's mine, Pete. I fell to earth during the meteor shower when. I was in it.'

Why didn't I say it then? Why did I hesitate and why did lies spill from my mouth. I want him to know. I want all the people in my life that matter to me to know. I'm a freak alien from another planet. That terrified me more than I can every say.

Dad told me to play dumb. I am so sick of the lies. Now he wants us to go over to Pete's and take the ship from his shed. It's my ship so it's not really stealing, but I still feel bad doing this to Pete. I want to tell Pete. He's the one person I've wanted to tell my whole life. Mom and dad refuse to let me. They don't get it at all. They don't understand how much this hurts me.

I convinced Pete to hold off telling the media. He wants to go straight to them. Chloe will flip out, have a cow, and then flip out again. Pete is going to tell her for sure by tomorrow. 

I guess dad is right and we have to get it back. He's always right, it seems, when it comes to my alien-ness.

The return of my ship killed my plan to hang out at the mansion. I'd hoped to spend more time with Lex, but I couldn't stick around like I'd promised. I had to leave so my parents and I could talk about getting the ship back. I wish I could pretend that I'm just a normal person and that none of this ship stuff happened. I wanted to be there for Lex because his father has moved into the mansion. Lex looked tense and strained to say the least.

The brief time I was there tonight, we kissed. His kiss was so aggressive. I was hard instantly. I was hard the whole drive home. 

I wish that stupid ship had stayed lost. Why does it have to come back now? This totally ruined my day. 

Maybe later I could steal the ship by myself and hide it again.

 

21 September @ 12:23 am

The ship is gone, again. Dad and I went out to steal it from Pete's shed and it was gone. I had it. If I had told Pete the truth it would be mine now. I hate that thing but it connects me to who I really am. Maybe if we could get it open one day it could tell me something about my origins. It's the only link to my real world and now it's gone, again.

I felt sick to my stomach as we drove to my best friend's house in the cover of darkness. The ship may belong to me but this is just so wrong. I tried to talk to dad again tonight about telling Pete the truth. I tried every argument I could think of. He wouldn't buy a single one.

I wish I could call Lex right now, but I can't. What would I say? How could I explain why I'm so upset? If Lex knew, if Pete knew ... things would be so much easier. This wouldn't make me feel like the crappiest friend on the planet. How am I ever going to be able to have an honest relationship with Lex if I can't tell him the truth?

I just called Lex. I wanted to hear his voice, know that he's real. I wanted to ask him if he would stand by me no matter what he found out about me. I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to. It was on the tip of my tongue and I choked on the words. When he said always - I can't even think of the words to describe what I felt. To say I felt like a total jerk is an understatement. He deserves way better than a liar. 

Lex, I'm an alien. I lost my ship, then found it, and then lost it again. Could you help me look for it?

Oh, yes. That would go over so well. He'll hate my guts.

@ 12:31 pm

I told Pete. I had to tell him. The look on his face when he called me a liar; I have never felt so terrified in my life. I was so afraid he was going to walk away from our friendship and never look back. Everything I had ever been afraid of happened. He looked at me like I'm a freak, and then he told me it's like he doesn't know me. I tried to tell him that nothing has changed. I tried to tell him that I'm still Clark, the person he grew up with, but he wouldn't listen. I tired to explain why I never told him the truth, but he didn't care. Everything was destroyed in one instant.

I will never forget the look on his face when I tried to touch him and he yelled at me to back off. He looked terrified and hurt and I wish I had never said anything.

I lost my best friend because I told him the truth too late. Now I have to tell mom and dad what happened. I don't even want to think about how they're going to react. Dad is going to kill me, somebody else took the ship and I lost my best friend. Maybe I can get them to understand. 

All my life all I've ever wanted was to be just like everybody else. That's never going to happen no matter how much I wish for it.

2004 @ 11:06 pm

First the ship, then when I tell Pete the truth I lose him as a friend, now Lex is asking me about the key to the ship. I almost threw up on the spot when he asked if I knew where it was. I thought for sure he was going to react the way Pete did and call me a liar. I wish he had then maybe I would have had the guts to tell him the truth. Instead he swallowed my lies and treated me with respect. I wanted to kiss him, but my mouth was too full of lies. 

I had to tell mom and dad that I told Pete the truth. They freaked. When I told them Pete and I aren't talking, they freaked more. I can't believe how afraid I was to tell dad. 

Now Pete is missing. I know it's my fault. Everything is my fault.

I can't do this anymore. I hate it so much. It sucks that all of this is happening to me and the only person I want to talk to I can't because he doesn't know. I hope Lex can forgive me when he finally learns the truth. I don't want him to look at me the way Pete looked at me. My stomach still aches and if Pete dies because of me, I don't know what I'll do.

 

22 September @ 11:30 am

 

Last night I found Lana in my loft. She was hiding from her aunt. She told me she doesn't like her aunt's new boyfriend. We talked about trust, honesty, and keeping secrets. I really didn't need this right now. I tried to explain to her that it's not easy for me to open up the way she can with me. She was not thrilled by my attitude, and I don't blame her. She confided in me and when I told her about the huge fight I had with Pete, I couldn't tell her why we had the fight. It's way too personal. Considering how Pete reacted, I think I won't be able to confide in anybody else for a long time. I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about was what Lana said about secrets keeping people apart. I couldn't stop thinking about Lex. 

Have you ever told the truth, and the person you told resented you for it? 

Pete is still missing. No one has seen him since last night. I am so worried.

@ 11:40 pm

At first it was freaky, but once we both got used to it, I was flying high, almost literally. Pete just left. It has been the most awesome, terrifying day. 

Pete is so cool about my abilities. There is nothing like being grilled about them by somebody who knows. I didn't have to hold back. I didn't have to pretend I'm normal. He doesn't care about who or what I am. He just cares that I'm his best friend Clark Kent. This is so cool!

When he went missing, I thought for sure that something really bad happened to him. It pretty bad. Hamilton had him and he was going to hurt Pete. I stopped him so everything turned out cool. I felt bad for Dr. Hamilton. I wish I could have done something for him, but he was too far-gone.

Pete stayed for dinner. It was awesome to talk freely in front of him. Dad told him that this is a huge responsibility, knowing about me. Pete totally gets it. When Hamilton had him tied up and was going to hurt him, Pete kept my secret. He told my mom and dad about my heroic save over and over again during dinner. It was embarrassing.

I can't wait. We're going to do something together this weekend. After dinner we went up to the loft and talked for hours. He joked that if Lana knew that I was a super hero, she would totally fall all over me. I told him point blank that Lana and I are nothing more than friends. I care about her a lot, but that is all. I almost told him that I like somebody else, but I knew if I did that, he'd never let it go. 

I wonder how he'd react if I told him I like men. He was mad at me about lying to him all these years but not because I'm an alien. Maybe if I told him I'm gay, he'd be okay with that too. It might be worth it just to see the look on his face. I have the feeling he'd look at me even stranger than when I told him I fell from the sky.

This is so exciting. I wish I could feel out Lex, actually I just wish I could feel up Lex right now. I'm so happy horny that I want to run to him and fuck him really, really hard. Then while we fuck, I'll tell him the truth. That would be freaky.

Dear Lex

We should fuck right now because I'm happy.

Oh and by the way, I'm an alien, too. I hope you don't mind my alien dick inside you.

Love

Clark the alien Kent.

 

23 September @ 11:00 pm

I thought for sure he'd think I was playing a game. I was not playing a game. I wanted him so badly. The deliveries were just an excuse to be there. The book was just an excuse to get him into his bedroom.

There must be something wrong with me. Everything makes me so horny. I couldn't stop thinking about Lex. All last night and today at school I kept getting hard. It was embarrassing. 

I asked Lex if I could borrow a book that I needed for class. I told him it was in his bedroom. When I followed him up to his room, I x-rayed to see what he was wearing under his clothes. He looked so hot. I wanted him the second I saw him. So I jumped him and sucked him off as soon as we were behind closed doors. 

Then we had the most amazing sex ever. It was totally mind-blowing. I even showed him some of my strength. I pulled him up while we fucked. I can be honest with him in those moments when we're alone, sharing our bodies. His eyes were so focused on me that he didn't seem to notice how strong I was. His touch made me want him more.

After I fucked him into happiness, we drifted off for a bit then we dressed and went downstairs for pie. I was worried since I screamed really loud when I came. I couldn't help it. Lex was amazing. He feels so amazing when I'm inside him. I can close my eyes and imagine how tight he is and how hot his body is against mine. I'm so going to jerk off to this night for a long time. Maybe forever. Of course if we have another even more mind-blowing night of sex then that will replace this night. 

I'm so happy Lex said yes when I asked if I could fuck him.

 

24 September @ 11:33 pm

My mom did it! She made Lex blush. Almost being caught with his hands in my pants didn't do it, but a kiss on the cheek from my mom did the trick!

All I have to say it hot damn! Even blushing he's a hottie.

 

25 September @ 11:14 pm

Today started off so nice. Lex came over for this barbecue thing that mom put together. She invited Lana, Chloe, Pete, Lex, Mr. K and Mr. K's boyfriend, Nico. I didn't really get to talk to him too much. Something was up for sure since right from the start mom acted off. She wouldn't tell us what was up. I couldn't get anything out of Mr. K, but I suspect it's not good. 

Feegan and Nico didn't hide the fact that they are together. I almost choked on my drink. I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack but he didn't. He was very polite until I was alone with him. Just before dinner was served I went into the kitchen to find Lex and dad, seemingly talking although the silence was deafening. I almost froze from the chill they gave off. 

Dad excused himself as soon as I walked in. When I asked Lex if everything was okay, he said it was fine. I know he was totally lying. I could see it in his eyes. 

Everybody was outside at this point. It was just the two of us, so I kissed him. I made sure there was nobody around. It felt dangerous. Lex promised that we could live dangerously another time. I can't wait to see what he means by that. I think back and realize that maybe I did it because I could see that Lex wasn't having that great a time. It occurred to me that the maybe he wished we could be as open as Feegan and Nico. I could be wrong about this.

I don't mind one bit that Lex and I are private. I think I kissed him right then because of the cool reception Lex got from almost everybody there. Everybody was nice enough, but I could see that Pete was not comfortable. He left early.

I just want Lex to feel loved. He totally got it. The smile in his eyes was enough to make me feel much better. 

Dad was not that easy. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just didn't understand those kinds of people. It was an eye-opening conversation. We talked about not judging somebody because of who they are. I immediately pointed out his treatment of Lex. He apologized to me, but I don't think he ever told Lex he was sorry. At least not that Lex told me.

This all feels almost disheartening, but I choose to see a silver lining. I think if I play it right, eventually dad will be able to accept how I want to live my life. Right now I don't think either of us is ready for him to find out. In time, I think he'll be open to it. My dad is a good man.

I have more homework to do. At least math is easy. I'm supposed to get together with Lana and Chloe tomorrow afternoon for some English study time. Lana and I talked. We had a little disagreement the other day and she apologized. I really hate fighting with her. She's become such a good friend. 

At least she gets the poetry. She and Lex teased me about it. That was annoying. I wanted to say that the stuff sucks. I felt like they had some secret code and I just didn't get it. I was a little shocked to find out that Lex had offered to let Lana go over to the mansion any time she felt the need to check out his library.

 

26 September @ 11:18 pm

I just got back from Pete's place. His family was away in the next county so we had the house to ourselves for most of the day. We spent it on dirt bikes. It was awesome. I have never been so reckless but he pointed out that since I can't really hurt myself I could do anything. I pointed out that I might trash his brother's bike but he said he trusted me so we went out into the farthest field we could find. I jumped a pit and ended up having to catch the bike. Pete totally freaked out then begged me to do it again. 

I loved it. I've never felt so free. There was nobody around to tell me to stop. My dad is always telling me I can't do things like this, but I double-checked and there was nobody but us around. We had the most amazing time. 

We played basketball for a while before dinner. By then Pete's parents and his younger sister had returned. Dinner with Pete's family is always cool. I don't have brothers or sisters, but they have always treated me like family. It's even better now with Pete knowing that I'm an alien. I feel so free around him. I don't have to hide or be constantly hyperaware of what I do or say. I still have to be careful around his family, but I feel more relaxed. I know Pete has my back. I know he'll be there for me no matter what happens. 

When we were out in the field, and we got thirsty, I just ran back to the house for drinks. The fact that he asked me a thousand times to run back and forth was only amusing the first ten times.

Before we played we had some studying to do. We met Lana and Chloe at the Talon for some English study time. It was the snore fest from hell. I really do not get poetry at all. It's dumb. Metaphors, similes, when am I ever going to need this stuff?

 

28 September @ 12:24 pm

I did deliveries yesterday and while I was there I managed to talk to Feegan about his boyfriend. It turns out Feegan told Nico the nature of my relationship with Lex. My first thought was that I felt betrayed. Feegan knows this is a secret that Lex and I keep for a reason. He knows what those reasons are and yet he told this person who is a perfect stranger to me about my personal life. Feegan admits he made a huge mistake. He said he was trying to get Nico to understand so we could all be friends. I don't even know what to say to that. I don't know Nico and he barely talked to me on the weekend. I know one thing for sure, I don't like that he makes assumptions about me. 

I thought a lot about this last night and this morning. I feel like too many people know about Lex and me. I feel like I'm losing control of things. 

The great news is I have enough money to get the school ring. They go on sale Monday. I can't wait. Dad has already started lecturing me on not spending my money on something so frivolous, but I'm tired of always worrying about those things. Just this once I want to spend the money I saved on something I want. 

Dad left a note in my backpack. In the note he asked me to go over to Pete's after school. Yesterday he told me that he wanted to surprise mom with something since he couldn't really do anything for her on her birthday, because Lex was here. I don't want to know what dad has planned for mom that I can't be around for. All I know is Pete has invited me to dinner at his house and then we're going to hang out. I plan on staying out as long as possible and calling ahead to make sure the coast is clear.

 

29 September @ 06:44 pm

My mom makes me feel safe. She makes me feel like I can do anything. She hears me and gives me the strength I need to get through the difficult stuff.

This morning at breakfast we talked. I told her that Chloe and Lana were urging me to write about what happened to me last year in the cornfield. They all think that this is a good idea. I finally said yes today. 

I have never actually written at length how I felt about that night. I can't really tell them what really happened. For one thing, I was crippled by Lana's necklace. If it hadn't been for that thing around my neck, burning me, I could have easily gotten away. It was the first time I ever felt vulnerable. Before that, I was always stronger and faster than any of the other people around me. 

That day when Whitney and his friends grabbed me, I had just found out that I was an alien, and that the meteors that followed me to earth were mutating things, not to mention the mutations they had caused in people. I was freaking out and I was not at my best. Whitney picked me because Lana was friendly to me.

The humiliation of being so vulnerable and incapable of fighting off stranger's hands as they took my clothes off is something I won't forget for a long time. Before that nobody but myself had ever touched me that way. 

I begged them to stop. I asked Whitney to please take me down. Nothing helped. They called me names, told me they would cut me down in the morning, and then walked away. By the time the sun had set, I was wishing I were dead. 

I was weaker than I had ever been. It hurt, it burned, and I thought I was going to die. That night Lex saved me. He found me on the cross. I was there for hours before Lex found me.

I had never felt like such a freak before. I've always been fast, and I've been stronger than anybody else since I was four. I knew people could be cruel. I've seen it enough in my life, but nobody had ever singled me out. I always made sure to stay in the background. I don't want to be noticed. I spend so much of my time making sure that I fly under everybody's radar. The scarecrow incident humiliated and isolated me. I would never want anybody else to ever feel that way.

I told Chloe that I want have the last word on what gets printed and that I want it to be anonymous.

 

30 September @ 12:32 pm

THAT was the best sex ever.

Lex is the hottest thing that ever walked. When he's under me, I push into him, and I can close my eyes - It's the most amazing feeling in the universe. We are so meant to be. Forever and ever.


End file.
